The Done and the Undone
October 1998
“You done?” my friend asked. I, of course, fully anticipated this opening query and had even crafted my reply as painstakingly as a press secretary during a sex scandal. This conversation was the real reason I didn’t want to come to choir practice in the first place.
Being DONE - that metaphysical state of agricultural nirvana that we get to experience twice a year (we hope). Beyond the completion of an intensive effort to plant or harvest, it is also the agonizing finish of a race with neighbors and friends. And despite scientific evidence to the contrary and professed disavowal on our part of the racehorse mentality, speed still counts in the manly evaluation of farming prowess.
Done is a state of higher existence, a lofty, carefree plateau of superiority from which to pity our slower, and therefore, lesser neighbors. It means falling asleep easier, tasting our food, and speaking to our friends again. During particularly bad seasons it can also mean the ability to communicate verbally in something other than grunts.
Periodically it is necessary to check with others to see what the score is. The score keeping system, however, can be confusing, like a cross between cribbage and tennis. For outsiders or beginners, let me offer this handy clip-and-save guide for answers to this eternal question.
Just started [Actual completion 0%] The idea of planting or harvesting seems reasonable, and significant efforts in that direction will now commence. Fields look like they are supposed to look, and the increase in activity in the neighborhood is noticeable.
Not near done [Still 0%] This phrase indicates that most of the major machinery necessary (planter, combine, trucks, grain bins, etc.) have been located and the prospect of actually getting into the fields now looms as likely within a week or so.
Half-done [25-33%] The concept of “half” here is sort of metaphorical and subject to free interpretation. Field work has actually been accomplished and one or two fields may be completed.
Almost done [40-66%] This phrase is used less to indicate an actual performance mark than to revive flagging spirits who can no longer remember doing anything else other than planting or harvesting. It indicates the approximate midpoint of a seemingly endless endeavor. It is the same phrase shouted to marathon runners at around Mile 11. First use of this phrase in a group of competitors can galvanize the whole neighborhood into renewed frenzy.
‘Bout done [66-75%] [Note: Many neophytes will misunderstand the subtly shaded meanings of these phrases. In some sections of the country they may also appear in different order, as well. Be sure to check closely with more experienced operators to make sure you are “talkin’ the talk”. Above all, do not be misled into a literal interpretation.] This phrase indicates the actual possibility of finishing has slowly emerged as a non-humorous comment. By stringing several pieces of good fortune together (combine keeps running, miss the next two rains, elevator doesn’t slow down, etc.) completion is now imaginable.
‘Pert near done [75-85%] [Again, local usage varies] This phrase is used almost exclusively to update a report of “bout done” at the previous conversation. Some progress must, of course, be made, without actually acknowledging a fixed level of accomplishment. ‘Pert near usually indicates the shift from active interest into obsession with getting done. The heady odor of completion drifts on the wind like an agricultural pheromone. Consequently, bad farming may be about to occur.
Done all ‘cept ... [90%] This phrase is followed by softly mumbled caveats similar to car financing disclaimers. It indicates that outside agencies [crop sprayers, elevators, rain, landlord peculiarities, etc.] let you down. Mostly it announces that it’s not your fault you’re not done, and therefore you can use the sacred word to begin your statement.
Done [95%] Virtual completion. Some rounding error may occur. You must have no complete fields left, and a clear window for the beloved last round. Test plots, wet holes, male corn, dryer bottlenecks are typical allowable exclusions. It is at this point that the physical completion letup degrades rapidly to a full-body meltdown.
ALL Done [100%] [Note: pronounced with emphasis on the “ALL”] Fields are fully completed, machinery has been herded home, trucks emptied, bins and sheds closed. Appetites and obnoxiousness are peaking. Immediately after achieving this status, maximum time is spent cruising the neighborhood to share this happy news with the less fortunate.
Example: This article is ALL Done.
